May/June 2024 Prompt:: **I want to tell you I love you – I just can’t seem to do it**
This story is Ben’s Internal Monologue from the group cinema trip.
I can’t believe he’s getting with Nick Nelson of all people; he’s supposed to be mine. He didn’t even give us a chance before he cheated on me with him. Charlie and I had something good; we’d been seeing each other for 3 months before that brute split us up.
I’d seen him about before he came out at school and thought he was cute, but when I found he was gay, I had to have him. I had to get these feelings out of my system before my father found out and disowned me.
From the day I approached him in the music room, I fell in love with getting to see his little face every day, and the way he would play hard to get. Every time we kissed his soft lips tasted so sweet, if I hadn’t been so afraid of someone realising what we’d been doing I would have happily kept the taste of him against me there forever. But that was a risk I just couldn’t afford, I had to rub my lips clean in case any hint of him lingering there would set off rumours that I was gay; I wasn’t gay, I couldn’t be gay.
Just because I liked Charlie didn’t make me gay, being with him just made me feel happy. He was so good, so pure, so lovely. I know none of it was perfect, deep down I wanted to be the one to take him to the movies and to hold his hand walking down the corridors at school. He called me his boyfriend once; I was so afraid that he’d want more than I could give, that I snapped at him and insisted we weren’t boyfriends. Why did I do that? If I hadn’t done that, maybe he would still be with me.
No one could ever know about us; I couldn’t even bring myself to explain to him why we had to keep everything secret. I wish I knew how to make him understand how I felt about him, but it just wasn’t possible. If my father ever found out, everything would be over. I’d lose my home, my family, my future.
Seeing him and Nick so close to each other at the cinema, I knew they were together. I felt hurt and angry. It should be me holding his hand in the cinema, me not him. I bet they’d been together for ages. He’d been so protective of Charlie back in the music block when he attacked me, I bet they’d been cheating on me even then.
Maybe if I’d told him how I really felt, told him why it was so important that we keep everything just between us, maybe he would have understood. If I tried to explain now, would he leave Nick and come back to me? Could I win him back?
I have a lot going for me, I’m good looking and a nice guy, I have money behind me too to spoil him and treat him right. I should have spoiled him more; I thought about getting him a Christmas present, even picked out the perfect little chain with a front clasp shaped like drumsticks. If I’d just bought it for him, instead of chickening out, he could have worn it every day and known he was mine. Known how much I wanted to be with him. Nick would have known he was taken and backed off!
Nick’s not even good looking, he looks like a bloody golden retriever. Charlie’s just getting with him to get back at me, he’ll come crawling back when he realises what he’s missing. Will I take him back? Of course I will, but I’ll make him work for it. He can’t just pick me up and drop me whenever he feels like it, he needs to know that his betrayal has consequences. Yes, he’ll be back!
He’s just doing this to make a point, to get me to come out like he did and make some big grand gesture. I won’t be doing that, he doesn’t call the shots here, he must know that. He’s never called the shots in our relationship, and he was happy with that. We must have been happy because we kissed almost every day that we were together. Couples don’t kiss if they aren’t happy.
I’ll dm him, ask him if he’s getting with Nick, make him tell me the truth. Wait, he’s stalked off and his precious Nick hasn’t noticed. No one’s looking my way, they are too distracted by Nick’s little hissy fit, I’ll go after him and ask him directly, make him come clean to my face. I can’t just walk past the other Truham boys though, I’ll have to go the long way around.
I get to the roof and damn it Nicky-boy has beat me to him. I don’t think either of them have seen me, I’m in the shadows and I can’t quite make out what they are saying but it looks like maybe Charlie is sending him away. Yes, he’s going, now’s my chance.
“Charlie,” I call out to him.
“I saw you both in there, are you going out with him?”
“No,” he lied, he was a terrible liar.
“But you are getting with him!”
“No!” he tried to insist.
“Don’t lie! I believe that you’re not going out with him. As if anyone would ever want to go out with someone as desperate as you.”
“You did,” he stammered out.
“Are you joking? You thought I liked you? You were there like some tragic loser with barely any friends, who ate lunch alone and let bullies walk all over you. I never liked you. I’m not even gay! I just felt really sorry for you.” I hoped he believed me, even if I didn’t believe myself. I wish I could have gone out with him, taken him out on a date and treated him like the beautiful prince he is.